am i a jack ass? yes. am i stupider than you? yes. am i really 6'0"? wellll... depends on what authority you consult... UCA media guide had me at 6'1"... i sweet talked the heavy set trainer lady... it was really important though.. not because i wanted to be listed as taller than i really was.. but because my sweet talk at the weigh-in failed and i tipped the scales at like 210... 5'11.75" 210 is stocky... i was not stocky at that point.. i told the lady measuring height that quarterbacks couldnt be short & fat, so either she change the weight or the height. so 6'1" ,210lbs. i was. similar sad story, when entering a bar last summer, i handed over my drivers license and the bouncer looked up with a sad look and said, "what happened man?" The picture was taken when i was about 200lbs. and that night i stood in the tragic glory of nearly 250lbs. i just shook my head and fought back the emotions.. then proceeded to the restroom where i purged whatever fried concoction i had just consumed.jk.
i love story time so because i am adult and can proclaim story time when i want to..i do it often
I am not a fine teller of stories but i rarely forget stories so i tell a lot of them. good&bad.
NOTES ON TELLING:
- Do not be insecure about stories with dead ends, just learn from your mistakes.
- Be colorful, Be humble, be serious, use profanity when all else fails.
- if you are going to exaggerate, only do it to make yourself look worse, not better.
- if you know a great story about a friend that no one knows.. tell it to your audience as if it were you and fill them in afterwards on who it really was.
-- it allows you to skip awkward explanations like "this guy i know, and this other guy were - blah blah blahin and the other guy said to the guy i know..."
HERE ARE THE BEST NEW STORIES I HAVE:
i was on my way to campus to study during finals about 2 months ago. it was about 9pm, which at the time felt like 4am, when i pulled up to a red light. A car in the turn only lane signalled to enter my lane in front of me. so i stopped short of the car to create enough room for the car to at least angle in when the light turned. as the light turned i let off the break, expecting the car next to me to quickly proceed in front, but when they hesitated i tapped my breaks and got rear-ended. it was barely a nudge but i did feel it, so i stopped and hopped out quickly as did the driver that bumped me.
I leaned over as if to assess my damage, and with out really looking..
i said - "looks like i am good! yours alright?"
he said - "yeah looks fine."
i said back, - "Great! we're good then?"
he said - "you sure?"
i said "yeah man, no harm, and i am tired and in a hurry."
i shook his hand and started back to my car then
he said back, - "you sure man, i can follow you to a gas.."
right then i cut him off yelling over my shoulder,
"WE'RE GOOD, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY, 'CUZ I AM TIRED AND I GOT TO TAKE A SHIT!" HE YELLED BACK THROUGH LAUGHTER,
- " UMM THANKS, OH AND GOOD LUCK! all i could muster through my surging bowel was - "YEAH!"
LAST and LEAST
- i played in my first basketball game in a long time last night. I am on a team with only a couple of i know. when i arrived at the gym for the game i found out that our opponent was a group of Asian exchange students.
- in an effort to break the ice because several of teammates hardly know me, I got everyone to huddle up before the shoot around. i said, " Can we just get it in here for a team meeting to talk about the game." the guys kind of obliged because they didn't know me or how to react to such a weird request. after all its intramurals brother! who has team huddles for intramural basketball?
- anyways once everyone gathered, i concentrated and held a straight face and gave a speech.
" Guys, i just wanted to get in here and talk about this. Yes its basketball and its just intramurals, but if you'll look across the court you will realize that this is bigger than us! this is a clash of world powers, and cultural ideals! tonight we are not just playing for the name on our shirts but we are playing for a flag, our country and our God! take that intensity to the game!"
we lost. mark one up for communism.
sorry America.
But dont cast stones...a guy in spandex shorts, a collared shirt, and penny loafers hit a 25 ft. three pointer to take the lead on us with under a minute to go. he killed us all night because nobody wanted to make contact with him.. there was very little between the world and his manhood.
long live westernized sportswear
td shiznit
all time best thing i wrote on a rubberband,
LORD MAKE ME FAST & ACCURATE
(The Patriot)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sunday, November 16, 2008
couldga?,wouldga?, do ya mind?
SEASONS GREETINGS S.i.B. PATRONS!
this is usually the order that we ask for a favor, even if we dont use the words. Probably because of the nature of favors, but its awkward none the less. I do not hesitate to ask for help in most situations. I hate being a burden to anyone but because I have a condition that won't allow me to say no if I can help it, I have the license to ask for favors. well... that is not entirely true.(explanation: If it is obvious that chairs/tables will have to be away, or put out I will dissappear like a black sock.) I admit that it is shameful but I would rather move a piano alone than put out folding chairs. I remember a time when I was eager to serve in that setting but I was a victim of lunch detention far too many times to voluntarily stack/unstack chairs and tables. The high school disciplinarian/handyman was a dear friend, so even if I was not due for "serving time" he found me at lunch with some smartass comment and TELL me, couldga, wouldga, do ya mind? helping clean-up. My No to NO condition forced me to agree. The worst part about lunch detention was the smell of taco-stackup that stuck to me until the next day when it was beef tips. So now I dissappear before the process begins because if i wait until it begins there is inevitably an old woman between me and the exit casting stones at my able body from her hov-around, with a half dozen metal chairs across her lap. If you need a favor dont hesitate to ask, just ask in this way, couldga? do ya mind? the other way is screwed up. if i admit that i could and that i dont mind, why ask if i would? you may even change the whole process by starting with a statement like, we have 4,000 chairs to put up and we already have 300 people helping but if YOU COULD & YOU DONT MIND, I would appreciate if you WOULD help out. ALSO, if the situation is more like, we have 4,000 chairs to put out and we only have 3 people helping... dont ask DO YOU MIND! I, He, & SHE MINDS! On a list of things that includes running a 10k after a 36 chicken wing sitting and Helping an 82 year old naked man get out of his oatmeal bath, i mind more about putting out 1,000 chairs but if you ask and I could, I WOULD! DO YOU MIND, shit, who are you kidding!
BRIEFLY ON TO A MORE WORTH-WHILE couldga wouldga NOTE:
HEROs
- MEREDITH BOYD - [(Rustonian) at least near ruston,la]
I am not up on all the details but Meredith saved a life recently. at the scene of a car accident she stopped a man from bleeding to death by putting pressure on his juggular(if thats in the neck) until help arrived. They told her that the man would have certainly died had she not rushed to his aid and done precisely what she did.
- JONESBORIAN TWINS -(high schoolers from jonesboro, la)
(unfortunately I dont know their names but i will edit this later with names.)
The two boys came upon a car that had left the road and crashed into a pond. They rushed over and one of them jumped in and pulled the female driver from the car and got her to land. Once she got there she began yelling, "MY BABY!" over and over, so the other twin jumped into the water and pulled the child from the car and brought he/she back safely to the mother!
I cannot grasp how crazy the scenes must have been and how quick these heros were to help and serve. What could be more thrilling than snatching a life from jaws of certain death? I guess maybe having your own life saved may be more thrilling, i mean after all you gained far more than the hero, but short of that i cannot think of anything.
BACK TO THE FOOLISHNESS!
My wife and I attended our first meeting of the Homeowners Association of Bayridge. The mail-out said that the meeting was mandatory so being the No to No push-overs that we are, we attended. Much to my dismay there no finger foods but there were free pens so it was not a total loss. There were too many stero-types fit for television sit-com to include but i will let you in a few. To equal the average age of those in attendance, you would have to sum my age and my wifes and multiply by atleast 1.65 and I had a headache from perfume enhalation. Needless to say they knew our daily coming-and-going schedule, which gives me great comfort since my studying at the library has my wife alone at home from time to time. She is well monitored and secure inside the compound. They asked for volunteers for a Christmas party planner and every eye in the room was set on my wife, including mine. I shifted in my chair and turned squarely towards her, with a serious wrinkled brow look as if to ask, WHATCHU GOIN DO? I was so proud when she looked across the crowd with an unwaivering sterness that said, YOU MAY AS WELL MOVE ON, CUZ I SURE AS HELL AINT PLANNING NO DAMN GERIATRIC MIXER!
I sat wondering what these old coggers thought of us. I know the ladies were making a list of things they could ask me to move, carry, kill..which reminded me to change my cell phone number and make my come-and-go schedule a little less predictable.
BY THE BIZZLE
i may have started the rubberband with writing on them thing. As a youngster, i wrote on rubberbands and put them on my wrist. I am not claiming that I came up with the idea but i am claiming that i started it around the beginning of the WWJD trend and before the Live Strong introduction. I actually got the idea from the produce aisle. The rubberbands that hold things like aspargus together have words on them and so I started writing stuff on rubberbands and then lance armstrong stole my idea. Thats why i know he took steroids, he will do anything to get ahead. i am kidding...about the steroids atleast.
Anyways life is good at the old folks home and my dearest apologies for not posting more frequently. If i am not better in the near future, I will shut this thing down and just get the email addresses of those interested in receiveing a quarterly publication.
Blunderously Yaws,
SHEEZY
this is usually the order that we ask for a favor, even if we dont use the words. Probably because of the nature of favors, but its awkward none the less. I do not hesitate to ask for help in most situations. I hate being a burden to anyone but because I have a condition that won't allow me to say no if I can help it, I have the license to ask for favors. well... that is not entirely true.(explanation: If it is obvious that chairs/tables will have to be away, or put out I will dissappear like a black sock.) I admit that it is shameful but I would rather move a piano alone than put out folding chairs. I remember a time when I was eager to serve in that setting but I was a victim of lunch detention far too many times to voluntarily stack/unstack chairs and tables. The high school disciplinarian/handyman was a dear friend, so even if I was not due for "serving time" he found me at lunch with some smartass comment and TELL me, couldga, wouldga, do ya mind? helping clean-up. My No to NO condition forced me to agree. The worst part about lunch detention was the smell of taco-stackup that stuck to me until the next day when it was beef tips. So now I dissappear before the process begins because if i wait until it begins there is inevitably an old woman between me and the exit casting stones at my able body from her hov-around, with a half dozen metal chairs across her lap. If you need a favor dont hesitate to ask, just ask in this way, couldga? do ya mind? the other way is screwed up. if i admit that i could and that i dont mind, why ask if i would? you may even change the whole process by starting with a statement like, we have 4,000 chairs to put up and we already have 300 people helping but if YOU COULD & YOU DONT MIND, I would appreciate if you WOULD help out. ALSO, if the situation is more like, we have 4,000 chairs to put out and we only have 3 people helping... dont ask DO YOU MIND! I, He, & SHE MINDS! On a list of things that includes running a 10k after a 36 chicken wing sitting and Helping an 82 year old naked man get out of his oatmeal bath, i mind more about putting out 1,000 chairs but if you ask and I could, I WOULD! DO YOU MIND, shit, who are you kidding!
BRIEFLY ON TO A MORE WORTH-WHILE couldga wouldga NOTE:
HEROs
- MEREDITH BOYD - [(Rustonian) at least near ruston,la]
I am not up on all the details but Meredith saved a life recently. at the scene of a car accident she stopped a man from bleeding to death by putting pressure on his juggular(if thats in the neck) until help arrived. They told her that the man would have certainly died had she not rushed to his aid and done precisely what she did.
- JONESBORIAN TWINS -(high schoolers from jonesboro, la)
(unfortunately I dont know their names but i will edit this later with names.)
The two boys came upon a car that had left the road and crashed into a pond. They rushed over and one of them jumped in and pulled the female driver from the car and got her to land. Once she got there she began yelling, "MY BABY!" over and over, so the other twin jumped into the water and pulled the child from the car and brought he/she back safely to the mother!
I cannot grasp how crazy the scenes must have been and how quick these heros were to help and serve. What could be more thrilling than snatching a life from jaws of certain death? I guess maybe having your own life saved may be more thrilling, i mean after all you gained far more than the hero, but short of that i cannot think of anything.
BACK TO THE FOOLISHNESS!
My wife and I attended our first meeting of the Homeowners Association of Bayridge. The mail-out said that the meeting was mandatory so being the No to No push-overs that we are, we attended. Much to my dismay there no finger foods but there were free pens so it was not a total loss. There were too many stero-types fit for television sit-com to include but i will let you in a few. To equal the average age of those in attendance, you would have to sum my age and my wifes and multiply by atleast 1.65 and I had a headache from perfume enhalation. Needless to say they knew our daily coming-and-going schedule, which gives me great comfort since my studying at the library has my wife alone at home from time to time. She is well monitored and secure inside the compound. They asked for volunteers for a Christmas party planner and every eye in the room was set on my wife, including mine. I shifted in my chair and turned squarely towards her, with a serious wrinkled brow look as if to ask, WHATCHU GOIN DO? I was so proud when she looked across the crowd with an unwaivering sterness that said, YOU MAY AS WELL MOVE ON, CUZ I SURE AS HELL AINT PLANNING NO DAMN GERIATRIC MIXER!
I sat wondering what these old coggers thought of us. I know the ladies were making a list of things they could ask me to move, carry, kill..which reminded me to change my cell phone number and make my come-and-go schedule a little less predictable.
BY THE BIZZLE
i may have started the rubberband with writing on them thing. As a youngster, i wrote on rubberbands and put them on my wrist. I am not claiming that I came up with the idea but i am claiming that i started it around the beginning of the WWJD trend and before the Live Strong introduction. I actually got the idea from the produce aisle. The rubberbands that hold things like aspargus together have words on them and so I started writing stuff on rubberbands and then lance armstrong stole my idea. Thats why i know he took steroids, he will do anything to get ahead. i am kidding...about the steroids atleast.
Anyways life is good at the old folks home and my dearest apologies for not posting more frequently. If i am not better in the near future, I will shut this thing down and just get the email addresses of those interested in receiveing a quarterly publication.
Blunderously Yaws,
SHEEZY
Sunday, October 5, 2008
justice failing
justice is failing in football, golf(that one is personal) & a whole helluva lotta normal shiz. i am a fan of the N.O. Saints, and the LaTech Bulldawgs but have no other heartfelt loyalties in football so i watch most games objectively. I am sick and tired of celebration penalties. The whole "Act like You've Been there" argument is an out of touch perspective on competition. A lot of touchdowns are the culmination of an entire off-season of planning, practicing, recruiting, jelling and working through mistakes. other times they are the result of mistakes gone right, or crazy athletic freak-dom, so if the player "throws the ball up" or performs a dance he practiced in the dorm/lockerroom with his teammates, or waits for the other players to meet him there for a dogpile give 'em a minute to take in the moment. If you dont like it, you probably dont understand it. Sometimes players cant "act like they've been there" cuz they havent. Think about it, these games are not played in a vaccuum, they are played in front of millions, and scoring points is the goal. So when you cross the GOAL line, its ok to be excited, hell isnt it more asshole and European to set the ball down and jog back to the sideline like you deserve it, like you have better things you could be doing like yachting, rowing, or having tea with nobles and that football is just something you do because you are so damn good. GET A CLUE ignorant observer...that score matters so much more than the 6 points that go on the scoreboard. There is no telling how far back the emotion goes or where it is rooted. kids dont just pick a school or an nfl team... they get recruited, drafted traded to the team they are on... wouldnt you like to score the proverbial "touchdown" in your job and spike the proverbial ball right on your old employers proverbial logo in front of everyone that knows you, and the person that took your proverbial spot on the roster? or would you rather set the proverbial ball down politely and jog back to the proverbial sideline without a word? "let your play do the talking!" thats BULL SHIT, you and lou holts know it! Take this, a kid from Austin, Texas doesnt get an offer to UT but they have the nerve to ask him to walk-on..TCU finds a scholarship for him and he earns a spot on special teams his first year. TCU vs. UT... he blocks a punt, scoops and scores. The payoff for his hardwork is realized in front of thousands and thousands... this is not self-promotion, its showing the world that Texas messed up, and that TCU got a winner, a game-changer, a player that is gonna get it done! HE is sticking it to the man... and thats American. If you dont like America then i guess i am not talking to you and you shouldnt be reading this. Its not just a touchdown, none of them are just touchdowns or just sacks, or just interceptions! they are mountains of emotion, effort, mistakes, one-step forward two-steps back, crumbling in one enormous moment. I am telling you right now, if you cant get that, you are out of touch, emotionally constipated and you are probably better off reading the box scores, because you obviously cant handle the drama. better yet send me your email address and i will send you a list of winners for the week. i would hate for the final score to raise your blood pressure, because OU was winning by 30 at half time and scored another 28 points in the second half, you may feel sorry for the losing team and criticize the Stoops for running up the score. If you cant get that... my gosh, subscribe to the BIG TEN NETWORK.. GO to a WNBA GAME!!! GET AN ACCOUNT ON www.idontgetitandidontgetthatidontgetit.com/coffeeshop/norahjones/golfclap/boring
Break from the GOALLINE... my wife got a yorkie..WE(sorry goose) got a yorkie. YEAH a YORKIE! WHAT OF IT!?! Her name is LUCY and she is fat and has a bear face... I am man enough to love it and "puppy talk" her. I am also man enough to enjoy Gossip Girl, Grey's, and (back to the point) i am man enough to understand endzone dances, dogpiles, and fist pumps!
GET USED TO IT!!!
GOLF
LIPPED PUTTS provoke gasps, knee-bends, and profanity."Robbed" is the word of choice for my group but lipped putts are not unjust. They are hard to take but they are fair. UNFAIR is hitting a shot straight down the fairway, and finding it in the rough, or better yet not finding it at all. Are there warp zones that shoot your ball to The Villages(that would make sense, i mean how else can they give these Viagra addicts a life of luxury and free golf for practically nothing)? i guess they pass the savings on to the coggers. Maybe the Wimbledon Tennis ball boys spend their off-season keeping in shape and making ends meet by hustling muni-fairways for golf balls. I lose enough strokes and balls with bad shots. why do good drives dissappear with no explanation... The better the golf ball the better chance you have of losing it. I just want a fair shake.
Holding Penalties
i hate holding penalties. someone holds on every play. open field holds change games, i get that. i guess i have just been on the bad end more so much more than the good that i am bitter. that may not be a coincidence... since i cheer for losing teams and they probably need to hold more than the better teams. shit, somebody just send me the boxscores.
no i can deal with shitty penalties so long as DB's run around like they are crazy after an INT and D tackles shake their fat stomaches when they sack the QB!
down with cornhusker humility
LONG LIVE HIGHSTEPS & ENZONE SPIKES
-the shiz
JUST GIVIN' 'EM WHAT THEY WANT!
if you get it, call the commish.
if you dont get it, call Nancy Grace she thinks its cut 'n dry, black 'n white too.
... i need to lose weight, holla if ya hear me!
Break from the GOALLINE... my wife got a yorkie..WE(sorry goose) got a yorkie. YEAH a YORKIE! WHAT OF IT!?! Her name is LUCY and she is fat and has a bear face... I am man enough to love it and "puppy talk" her. I am also man enough to enjoy Gossip Girl, Grey's, and (back to the point) i am man enough to understand endzone dances, dogpiles, and fist pumps!
GET USED TO IT!!!
GOLF
LIPPED PUTTS provoke gasps, knee-bends, and profanity."Robbed" is the word of choice for my group but lipped putts are not unjust. They are hard to take but they are fair. UNFAIR is hitting a shot straight down the fairway, and finding it in the rough, or better yet not finding it at all. Are there warp zones that shoot your ball to The Villages(that would make sense, i mean how else can they give these Viagra addicts a life of luxury and free golf for practically nothing)? i guess they pass the savings on to the coggers. Maybe the Wimbledon Tennis ball boys spend their off-season keeping in shape and making ends meet by hustling muni-fairways for golf balls. I lose enough strokes and balls with bad shots. why do good drives dissappear with no explanation... The better the golf ball the better chance you have of losing it. I just want a fair shake.
Holding Penalties
i hate holding penalties. someone holds on every play. open field holds change games, i get that. i guess i have just been on the bad end more so much more than the good that i am bitter. that may not be a coincidence... since i cheer for losing teams and they probably need to hold more than the better teams. shit, somebody just send me the boxscores.
no i can deal with shitty penalties so long as DB's run around like they are crazy after an INT and D tackles shake their fat stomaches when they sack the QB!
down with cornhusker humility
LONG LIVE HIGHSTEPS & ENZONE SPIKES
-the shiz
JUST GIVIN' 'EM WHAT THEY WANT!
if you get it, call the commish.
if you dont get it, call Nancy Grace she thinks its cut 'n dry, black 'n white too.
... i need to lose weight, holla if ya hear me!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
thick & thin & misplaced pens
life has times best categorized best by words you are not comfortable using.
mostly profanity.. sometimes words like men using "cute" when their child touches their heart.
i have been warned by law school people that shutting this thing down would best.
well shit. i get to write without reason, rules, or a care in the world. im not denying myself the therapy of blurry thought turning into awful grammar and stream of consciousness reading. life aint easy damn it. its good as shit but harder than a sumbitch..no resolution...sometimes people got to do certain shit...(weak Life reference) thats what i need... here is something people never talk about... the noise your pee makes when it hits the water... i think about it every time i pee... i believe that everyone else does too.
my past was spent trying to keep up with a couple of pens... i bought twenty pens and left half at home put half in my car and put the half in my book bag*... i misplace pens... i dont want to stop misplacing pens... i just want to have a pen when i need it. i thick now days but i was thin...
i know there are three halves... i wasnt born yesterday... but thirds bother me... i mean half isnt half anymore its like ordering coke.. i got three half's big freaking deal...
mostly profanity.. sometimes words like men using "cute" when their child touches their heart.
i have been warned by law school people that shutting this thing down would best.
well shit. i get to write without reason, rules, or a care in the world. im not denying myself the therapy of blurry thought turning into awful grammar and stream of consciousness reading. life aint easy damn it. its good as shit but harder than a sumbitch..no resolution...sometimes people got to do certain shit...(weak Life reference) thats what i need... here is something people never talk about... the noise your pee makes when it hits the water... i think about it every time i pee... i believe that everyone else does too.
my past was spent trying to keep up with a couple of pens... i bought twenty pens and left half at home put half in my car and put the half in my book bag*... i misplace pens... i dont want to stop misplacing pens... i just want to have a pen when i need it. i thick now days but i was thin...
i know there are three halves... i wasnt born yesterday... but thirds bother me... i mean half isnt half anymore its like ordering coke.. i got three half's big freaking deal...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
predictions
i predicted last year that..
LSU would win the National Championship..its in my blog...i also predicted that i would break par.. LSU won it and i Broke Par. i made some stupid ass prediction about Big Ben having a crush on Brady and that favre would change his name to Cal Ripken III...i want to make some predictions for this fall so that i will publish proof that i told you so...
- Saints win 11 games
- Big Ben has MVP(ish) season and i tell everyone he is a fluke and that he has a tattoo that says "My Fair Brady" in pink.
- LSU wins again.
- Michael Phelps is actually part Manning, part fish, part George Muresan(my giant)
- i win my fantasy league only to be stiffed on prize money (again)
- ESPN Outside The Lines does a special on my Baggo Exploits which highlights my ability to embrace adversity and distraction and beat people in ways they didnt know they could be beaten... and they interview Rob Owens and he complains that i lost to him at my bachelor party and that i lost money to him... and Paul Cavell will vouch for my history of finagling out of bets... only for me to be vindicated when a camera crew interviews everyone else that knows either one of them and paul is full of shit in general and they all say that rob is a sore winner and loser and that i won back the money fair and square and then Rob and Paul will not be available for comment..because Rob is at the bar "bouncing" and paul is creating some innovative way to make money doing nothing... Then Carson Palmers people call my people and challenges me and my teammate (patrick ramsey) to a Best of 5 series on pay-per-view at Madison Square Garden, which we inevitably win in 3 and put all naysayers..including Rob to rest.
LSU would win the National Championship..its in my blog...i also predicted that i would break par.. LSU won it and i Broke Par. i made some stupid ass prediction about Big Ben having a crush on Brady and that favre would change his name to Cal Ripken III...i want to make some predictions for this fall so that i will publish proof that i told you so...
- Saints win 11 games
- Big Ben has MVP(ish) season and i tell everyone he is a fluke and that he has a tattoo that says "My Fair Brady" in pink.
- LSU wins again.
- Michael Phelps is actually part Manning, part fish, part George Muresan(my giant)
- i win my fantasy league only to be stiffed on prize money (again)
- ESPN Outside The Lines does a special on my Baggo Exploits which highlights my ability to embrace adversity and distraction and beat people in ways they didnt know they could be beaten... and they interview Rob Owens and he complains that i lost to him at my bachelor party and that i lost money to him... and Paul Cavell will vouch for my history of finagling out of bets... only for me to be vindicated when a camera crew interviews everyone else that knows either one of them and paul is full of shit in general and they all say that rob is a sore winner and loser and that i won back the money fair and square and then Rob and Paul will not be available for comment..because Rob is at the bar "bouncing" and paul is creating some innovative way to make money doing nothing... Then Carson Palmers people call my people and challenges me and my teammate (patrick ramsey) to a Best of 5 series on pay-per-view at Madison Square Garden, which we inevitably win in 3 and put all naysayers..including Rob to rest.
imoana
i moan to i just aint chet. (i am going to i just have not done it yet.)
sometimes phrases come out of the south that get made fun of, make people millions of dollars, make movies funnier, make it hard to get a sandwich.
these phrases also make it easy for people to feel stupid for being smart. so many southerners use this warped version of our language(educated and uneducated alike) that outsiders are laughed at when they dont know, what all coke can mean, what it means to be tarred, what it means to be fitna or fixinta. the same barrier is a problem for old folks understanding the youngsters.
there is no point to be made except maybe that i love the regional dialects that screws up outsiders and confuses teachers and parents.
imoana to write a book someday... as a child when i first learned the word adobe, my plan was to start a book with the sentence, "my name is Randall and i live in adobe hut." my goal at the time was to tell the story of a man living in a hut made of...whatever adobe huts are made of... that is just a stones throw from a city full of buildings, cars, high schools, cheerleaders, banks and all that shat. then i found out Inceno Man, was my idea just better because it was Brendon Frazier and he was a caveman that had been frozen and then thawed into the city scene by Polly Shore. then there was The Village that further limited my ability to distinguish my idea as original. i have decided on a new opening sentence... "The outlook wasnt brilliant for Randall of the adobe hut that day."(delay) sorry my editor told me that my book starts out a lot like "Casey at The Bat"...shit...back to square one... is that a good start? Shit...back to square one.
" 'Shit...back to square one!' said Randall as his adobe hut shrunk to a pile of grass, mud, and sticks. Randall had a keen sense of how to use profanity and cliches of the english language, though his isolation usually had him muttering only noises and grunts to show his emotion..." so now Randall is isolated for a long time... is randall to be played in the movie by Tom Hanks. Randall and his adobe hut and his isolation are dead... for now.
maybe i should write about a really good high school football team. no that would never sell.
New Book
Getting to know the guy
Main Character: BADASS
Name: Greydan Hackseer
Nickname: Hacksaw
Level of badassness: 100% badass (comes with the nickname of course)
Weirdest thing stacks eight nickels in front of his bedroom door, every night before he goes to bed.
Reason for "Weird Thing": Hacksaw is a hard sleeper... he does it so he will know if someone has been in his room at night.
*(i know you are thinking 'knowing someone has been in your room doesnt help anything!' ..well he is not worried about bodily harm or someone stealing stuff..who would steal or try to hurt a guy known as Hacksaw) he is just curious as to whether or not people come in his room while he is asleep. he is a very odd man, dont tell him that i said that he was odd. he is a badass.
imoana get in shape.
imoana help somebody with sumpn
imoana blog mo
imoana stop cussin so much in my damn blog
imoana learn from my mistakes
imoana shave in na moanin
Fantasy starts soon... get you popcorn ready.. the "Fighting Tom Bradys" have disbanded and now its "Me Against The World"
Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson News
i heard that after fines and threats of suspension for his antics the super star receiver has decided to quit fooling around and get serious.. how serious... well i have been told that he has filed the necessary paperwork to have his name legally changed to Chad Ocho Cinco.
Boy do i hope that its true.
i have now moved, as i planned to in previous blogs, to Jackson, Mississippi. i study more than ever and less than i should... law school is easy to enjoy when you are in class and know whats going on... its like getting the chance to prove yourself again and again everyday... that is kind of exciting. it also provides the opportunity to look like an idiot again and again everyday which is kind of not so exciting. i will be sitting down at a computer much more frequently now that i am not mowing and maintaining with Chino, and Jose, so imoana blog mo.
other names to make the new book...
Earl Hazzard
Guy Yarborough (he is an actual person..so if you know him dont tell him before i get the chance to ask him... he knows Hacksaw and i dont want no trouble.)
Lanny "Long Legs" White
Saturday, July 26, 2008
You are too old mr. Quarterback, MOVE ON.
i think i speak for all sports fans and especially nfl fans when i say to the old man quarterback... just retire and move on. i mean it would be great if you could play forever but Geritol isnt magical, its the beggining of the end. i am of course talking about... Vinny "da thing wit da thing" Testaverde...oh did you think i was talking about Favre? how could you? he is like a volvo with 300k miles on it... yeah its a station wagon with faded out paint, but while its ugly and sometimes you think maybe its time to drive it off a cliff...you love it.. because in the end... you nothing without those 300 thousand miles. when greats retire, you quickly reflect on things they did that you say never before and never again. i think, i am not sure, but i think, he will be the last real cowboy to fling it. the business of big city/big money football has risk- averse ivy leaguers in the front office sipping lattes and mineral water talking about how not to lose and researching if and why playoff success has anything to do with having a bigger jumbo tron..
of course i am embellishing or actually just stating a mental image as fact but Green Bay execs of yester-year... sat around a cheese platter and keg of old milwaukee and shot the shit with bart starr and talked about how vince lombardi took himself way too seriously. one of was probably hunting in georgia and just happened to hunt with favre.. found him to be an alright dude and an excellent caller of ducks. so at the next meeting of the minds, he invited brett to have a snap of snuff with him and his buddies. Everybody wanted to know if he ever saw elvis in the stands and they all took bets on favre throwing a football through a brick wall.. when he failed..it went double or nothing on wether he could throw the empty keg into lambeau from the parking lot... when he failed.. it went double or nothing again on prank calling john madden. they were simple smart and not worried about making a mistake.. is Rodgers going to be good?.. who knows.. is brett favre going to be good next year? who knows...but year after year.. you face the possibility that your qb is not going to produce like he has in the past but you have to believe that if your qb has a long history of enormous success.. its worth keeping him in to see if the smoke of years past still means fire for the future. green bay could actually win the super bowl next year... with favre the chances are much greater wouldnt you think? even an ivy leaguer couldnt bench the gun slinger if he could obtain the holy grail as soon as february
i want vick back and favre in green and shockey stay civil and deuce to get loose.
give the people what they really want...
sorry vincent.
tshiz
of course i am embellishing or actually just stating a mental image as fact but Green Bay execs of yester-year... sat around a cheese platter and keg of old milwaukee and shot the shit with bart starr and talked about how vince lombardi took himself way too seriously. one of was probably hunting in georgia and just happened to hunt with favre.. found him to be an alright dude and an excellent caller of ducks. so at the next meeting of the minds, he invited brett to have a snap of snuff with him and his buddies. Everybody wanted to know if he ever saw elvis in the stands and they all took bets on favre throwing a football through a brick wall.. when he failed..it went double or nothing on wether he could throw the empty keg into lambeau from the parking lot... when he failed.. it went double or nothing again on prank calling john madden. they were simple smart and not worried about making a mistake.. is Rodgers going to be good?.. who knows.. is brett favre going to be good next year? who knows...but year after year.. you face the possibility that your qb is not going to produce like he has in the past but you have to believe that if your qb has a long history of enormous success.. its worth keeping him in to see if the smoke of years past still means fire for the future. green bay could actually win the super bowl next year... with favre the chances are much greater wouldnt you think? even an ivy leaguer couldnt bench the gun slinger if he could obtain the holy grail as soon as february
i want vick back and favre in green and shockey stay civil and deuce to get loose.
give the people what they really want...
sorry vincent.
tshiz
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